A Mother of a Day

Mother
Mother

One Word

So many meanings

Without you there would not be life

I see myself in your eyes

The way you act

The words you say

And just your whole persona

Your laughter always brings a smile to my face

You are also my friend

Someone I can act goofy with

And giggle over the craziest things

When you tell me you are proud of me

Be proud of yourself

Because who I am

Is a reflection of you

I love you

Mother's Day 

May 14th, 2000

I wrote this poem for my mom and gave it to her as a gift on Mother's Day in 2000. I was twenty-one years old.  I was so naive, or maybe innocent, back then.  The thought of not having my mother with me never really crossed my mind.  Now here I am, eighteen years later, wondering how I have lived without her for the past nine years.  

I always feel a little guilty on Mother's Day.  I know how I am supposed to feel/act.  I am supposed to fawn over my own children and the blessing it is to be their mother.  Of course I feel those things, but it is difficult to not focus on that fact that my mom isn't here with me.  That they don't have their grandma here with them on this day. I scroll through my Facebook feed, and I can't help but feel a little jealous of all of those people who are able to spend this special day with their mother. Part of me wants to celebrate my own motherhood, and the other half wants to curl up in bed until this day is over.  I think it is OK to allow myself to do a little bit of both.

I don't talk about my mom a lot because I am still very much affected by her death .  It doesn't take much for my emotions to get the best of me.  It is a lot easier for me to write about her.  So this is just a little way that I am choosing to honor her on this Mother's Day.  

My mom was an amazing grandmother.  I did not get to see her in this role for very long, but she was a natural.  My niece was a little over a year when my mom died, and my daughter was only eight months old.  She was well for about six of those months.  I often imagine what kind of grandma she would be to my kids today.  I know that she and my daughter would be the best of friends, and my son would have her laughing all the time.  They would adore her.  My daughter doesn't remember her, but we have pictures and stories to share so that as she gets older, her grandma will always be a part of her life.  As for my son, I can't help but believe that she met him first.  

     

My mom was tough as nails.  She worked throughout the time that she had her cancer treatments.  Chemo was taking its toll on her body, but she didn't let it show.  I can remember her getting ready for work in the morning, and the nausea would take over.  She would go to the bathroom, get sick, and then finish applying her makeup.  I would go and check on her, and she would tell me she was fine.  She may not have been fine, but she was/is the toughest woman I have ever known.

While it is a struggle, I don't want Mother's Day to be a sad day for me.  I honestly feel like this is the first year that  I have felt more happiness than not.  It took me a while to get here, and I can't say for sure if I will feel this way a year from now, but I call this a win.  I laughed with friends, spent time with family, and felt the purest of love from my children.  And I know that my mom was with me the entire time.

Happy Mother's Day!